EXCERPTS FROM AUREET'S DIARY, kept from June 1989
Found on a piece of paper in Aureet's Diary
I need to accept the fact that I am human.
Being human is neither good nor bad. It simply means that I try my best to fulfill my own ideals, expectations, values, and allow for the fact that I make mistakes. Life is a process and in driving to actualize my dreams I may make mistakes and that's OK.
I cannot expect to be perfect or a saint.
I am not altruistic and self sacrificing at all times, and that is natural.
I am, however, a loving and giving person.
This does not negate that I must face myself, my anger, my needs, and be clear about my right to myself and my needs.
In choosing to act on my own needs, I must take into account consequences.
When faced with consequences, I must accept the choices I made.
Taking responsibility is not the same as guilt or self criticism. It is accepting.
I must care about others and avoid hurting others, but I too deserve care and not hurt.
When attempting to balance my needs with those of others, my needs also count. I am simply doing the best I can, where I am, with what I am, and what I've got.
My need to be loved is a normal wish.
I deserve to be loved or at least treated with decency and dignity; as is every other human being.
Loss, Anger, Guilt, Acceptance - I have experienced each to full measure. It is time to Accept and move on.
I do not have to be vulnerable to anyone, only if I choose to.
I will stay in a relationship if my partner can respond to my needs.
Not because of guilt or fear but because that is my choice.
However, while it may be up to my partner to decide if he wants to give to me - I am not dependent on him.
Wherever I go from here it is with my control - I must make my own choices.
The choices made may be painful at times but this is simply part of the process.
The fact that I must learn is that not all growth is smooth and positive.
I will face the complexity of the process of personal development as well as respond to the culture and the context.
I will face the reality of humanity and my membership in humanity, and allow myself to accept myself.
6/26/89
The first day - the first time I try this - a journal - self-speaking. I've meant to for a long time - thought about it - but this is the first time—
7/1/89
—walk around entire lake at DeCordova. Flame of course is being wicked cute snuggling and generally being a silly moppet brain. He is so good for me. Connectedness is key and slowing down long enough to connect with myself. So hopefully I'll learn to slow down and go the flow in being in touch with the process in a more serene way!
7/3/89
Yesterday went on date taking Flame for first plane ride - flew to Martha's Vineyard for a beach day. Missed fireworks in Nantucket because Flame got skunked - Oh Well! Interesting trying to deal with the smell all the way back. Sometimes dogs are a pain - dodging blue fish hooks, drunk fishermen, men with attitude problems, and of course skunking at night in the middle of nowhere with nothing but ketchup. Should make for an interesting story in staff meeting! At least Flame likes planes better than jeeps, although I wish he hadn't turned into a basement cave dweller lately.
8/12/89
I am absolutely in love with New Orleans. Beautiful romantic city with mixture of flavors old and new; spicy, friendly, jazz music from Rhythm and Blues to Dixie Land variety throughout.
—Quotes of today - "We are of all womankind and must endure much. It is a struggle that strengthens and makes us aware, that tempers the spirit and opens the mind's eye" "Is this the purpose of my journey?" "Knowledge is within you, my daughter, discover it."
Time is a great circle, there is no beginning, no end. All returns again and again forever. Listen within, patience without, experience through all.
8/26/89
—More revelation - having been frustrated over life not being what I wanted - something missing; things turning grayish rather than intense technicolor specialness all the time - working toward emotional acceptance that life will never be all of it and then somehow making the best of it.
8/28/89
Enjoying Nova Scotia!—Beautiful drive today though Rocky Rustic solitude / isolation coast area, white powdered sandy beaches, lakes tucked away in middle country mountains to rural farms, towns, and orchards. Lunch in a mansion with a walk through beautiful historic flower gardens, quaint painted houses and farms bordering a deep blue river in a lush valley.
9/24/89
Yesterday great workshop on Codependency and Shame to Respect. Powerful and healing. A sense of hope that in facing shame and changing shaming patterns, one can move to respect and healing relationships.
OGA [One Generation After (Holocaust)] meeting tonight - good sense of connection with others' struggles with survivor guilt, shame, victim, belongingness, etc. issues. Talked and shared - good progress and felt good about my being in and my participation manner.
11/5/89
"Life is uneven; it has its ups and downs - maybe we need the differences to fully appreciate what we have" - Variety: Help for Helpers.
11/12/89
—The message seems to be - grieve, deal with losses and stand on your own.
11/23/89 Thanksgiving.
—Am painting today!! Feels great!! Generally, I feel I have a lot to be thankful for!
1/1/90
First day of a new year and a new decade! Wonder what this will bring? Hopefully, serenity, acceptance, appreciation, gratitude, and compassion - for myself and for others.
This last decade was about graduate school / with Steve; a marriage that recreated my family, an ending and a beginning. Please help me to find a way and guide me through working on being able to identify and ask for what I need in a positive way not waiting till resentments show me I have not gotten it.
Need to work on: feeling centered and grounded with a bubble boundary to protect and separate and clarify. Seeking this and a sense of wholeness from within, not for someone else to provide it.
